Ignacio A. Conner, Liza J. Diggs and Esther W. Lutz all think they could help me gain more in size day by day. Let me tell you, Ignacio, Liza and Esther, that first of all, I do not need anybody’s help to gain more in size, I am quite capable of doing that myself, and simply by looking longingly at a slice of bread. Secondly, the idea is to LOSE weight, not gain it. Unless you think I might be a man, and you are not talking about my weight. Sadly, I will never know, as I have deleted all your emails without reading them, as well as those of your friends Carolyn M. Cooke, Carly M. Lujan and Olen Z. Stanton. (Olen???? Z.????) At least, Pearly Staples and Candace Colbert had names matching their wares, sounding a little like those “what is your porn star name?”quizzes where you need to match the name of your first pet to the name of the street you used to live in. Ferdinand B. Gamble had an interesting proposition: to increase my pen!s (pen’s? with a badly placed apo’strophy?) without surgery. Dear Ferdinand, I never ever use surgery on my pens. Pencil parers on my pencils, that’s all. Call me old fashioned. And yes, I was briefly tempted by
So it is goodbye, Ferdinand, Ignacio, Carly and Olen. Although your names are cool and our friendship might have brought meaning and happiness to my life, I have severed the link and deleted the email account.